Ulquiorra's Craziest Adventure Ever in History
by thefirstespada
Summary: Ulquiorra has a crazy adventure on earth filled with crazy twists and turns. It all ends with an epic explosion and revelation. Extreme OOC and Rated T for crude humor and violence.


**Do not own anything **

**Ulquiorra's Quest**

Ulquiorra, Grimmjow, and Szayel stepped out of the gargunta and arrived at Karakura town. "Grimmjow try not to make such a ruckus." Grimmjow sneered, "Sorry I'm not the quiet, so deal with it." Szayel ran his fingers through his hair and said, "All of that destruction is not good for my hair." Grimmjow laughed, "God you are such a queer."

"Ulquiorra, Grimmjow called me gay again." Ulquiorra closed his eyes and sighed, "Grimmjow stop pointing out the obvious." Szayel's mouth dropped, "Why does everybody assume I'm gay?" Ulquiorra pointed, "Your hair," Then Grimmjow added, "and the fact that you look like a fruitcake butt pirate."

Szayel had had enough, "well I may look gay but at least I don't obsess over some high school student with a big sword." Ulquiorra couldn't help but grin, "well Grimmjow what do you have to say about that?" But before Grimmjow could answer, Szayel added, "Not to mention your hair looks like it came from Dragon Ball Z." Grimmjow started crying, "My hair does not look like it came from Dragon Ball Z."

"Alright that enough you two, let's do what we came here to do, it's time."

The two looked ahead at the city and Grimmjow asked, "what are we doing here again I missed the memo." Ulquiorra scanned the area and finally settle on a direction, "we're here for Orihime."

"Isn't that Grimmjow's boyfriend's girlfriend?" Grimmjow mumbled something about killing Szayel before Ulquiorra angrily interrupted. "No she is my girlfriend, fans like UlquiHime better and that bastard stole her." Szayel then remarked, "I though he rescued her, I mean isn't he the good guy?" Ulquiorra interrupted again, "no he's a fucking A-Hole and he stole my girlfriend."

"Hey Grimmjow if Ulquiorra is able to get Orihime back then you can have Ichigo all to yourself." Grimmjow snapped, "He is not my boyfriend God damnit!"

Ulquiorra got their attention once again and gave them their instructions. "Grimmjow I need you to engage Ichigo in combat and distract him while I search for Orihime, Szayel I want you to gather a group of bloodthirsty killers in order to counter reinforcements, let's go."

**As so the group separated, now let's see what's going on between Ichigo and Grimmjow**

"So Ichigo, you and I meet again, I wonder what it is that binds us together." Ichigo was surprised to see Grimmjow, "what do you want Grimmjow?" "I want you…to fight me." "Oh, why did you pause between" I want you" and "to fight me"? Grimmjow thought for a moment, "I have a speech impediment, enough talk let's fight."

**One Epic Fight Later**

"Look at yourself Kurosaki, ripped shirt, sweaty, tired and I bet you're hot to." Ichigo took in heavy breathes, "Why are you here Grimmjow, why now?" Grimmjow laughed, "Like I would ever tell you, even if you are asking me with those glimmering eyes and that look on your face excites me." Ichigo looked confused, "what?" Grimmjow shook it off, "Fuck this I'm done."

**And now we join Ulquiorra trying to take back Orihime.**

"Ulquiorra you really shouldn't barge in like that." Ulquiorra smiled, "you've really gotten stronger Orihime, so I guess all that time that you spent with me made you grow." Orihime huffed, "Ulquiorra are you here because you want me to be your girlfriend." "Shut up, why do you love that stupid strawberry better than me?"

"Because he doesn't obsess over me and try to take me using threats." Ulquiorra started crying, "You're just saying that to make me feel better." Orihime rolled her eyes, "Ulquiorra look I like you as a friend but I love Ichigo, so please stop crying." Ulquiorra stood up and got angry, "I'll give you three reasons why I'm better, one I have a cooler design, two people like UlquiHime better, so there."

"You said you'd give me three reasons but you only gave me two." Ulquiorra thought for a moment, "oh yeah my third reason is, I know you, you know you, you will come with me." Ulquiorra's rietsu radiated from his body and his form quickly changed between released and unreleased. After several seconds of this intense show Ulquiorra sunk to his knees and cried, "please come back to me, I can't live without you."

"No," Ulquiorra angrily gazed at her, "fine I'll just take you by force." Ulquiorra released and grabbed Orihime before taking flight to the highest point in Karakura town.

"Grimmjow, Szayel come to me." A few moments later Szayel and Grimmjow arrived, along with some other shadowy figures. "Ah I see you succeeded in finding me warriors Szayel, so who are they?" Szayel smiled, "Ulquiorra I present to you the Karakura town protection squad." Ulquiorra stared at the four children in shock, "you idiot I didn't want children I wanted mercenaries, bounty hunter not a bunch of brats who have to be asleep by 8 o clock.

Grimmjow scratched his head, "um Szayel, how did you get the children." Szayel smiled, "well," **(flashback) **"Come along children all the ice cream you can eat. That's right get in the truck that's it get it." ** (End Flashback) **"You stole the children, with a fake ice cream truck, we're going to jail."

"No we're not grimmjow calm down," Grimmjow interrupted, "yeah we are man, Szayel kidnapped children, we're going to jail!" Ulquiorra screamed, "no we are not, and neither you nor Szayel are going to jail, I will not get butt fucked."

Ichigo arrived, "Ulquiorra, give me back my sisters and Orihime right now." Ulquiorra called for Grimmjow and Szayel but for some reason they were nowhere to be found. "Grimmjow, Szayel get the fuck out here." Grimmjow and Szayel were in the closet passing a joint back and forth. "Ha-ha, dude you're like always calling me gay just to like hide your own homosexuality." Grimmjow snickered stupidly and said, "That is so true, I just want to do Ichigo like so hard."

Ulquiorra called them again, "Grimmjow, Szayel you stupid idiots get out here!" Szayel came out of the closet followed by Grimmjow. Szayel then took another puff and claimed, "we're not stupid we're stoned there's a difference."

"Enough; attack Ichigo and destroy him." And so they did, Szayel Ichigo, and Grimmjow had an epic fight while Ulquiorra prepared Orihime for Hueco Mundo. "Put on your old uniform right now," but he was interrupted with the arrival of Aizen. "Aizen, why are you here?" Aizen looked around, "crazy Ulquiorra, stoned Espada, half-naked Orihime, children, and a pissed off strawberry. Ulquiorra leave the girl alone and come back to Hueco Mundo."

"Sorry Aizen I still have to destroy this town with my full power." Aizen smirked, "Ulquiorra you're already release, how are you gonna destroy this town when you don't have enough power to do so?" Ulquiorra laughed, "oh yeah you don't know about my second release."

"Second release?" Ulquiorra transformed and called upon the power of lightning. "Ulquiorra you're a madman," Ulquiorra threw a Lanza de Relampago, "that's the only kind of man I know." Ulquiorra laughed hysterically as he destroyed the town bit by bit, then we can leave alright. Ulquiorra turned around and saw an open gargunta and Aizen holding Orihime over it. "What are you doing Aizen?"

Without thinking twice Aizen threw Orihime into the gargunta, "let's see you find her now." Ulquiorra charged another attack, "son of a BIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTCHHH!!!!!"

**With that last attack Ulquiorra not only destroyed Aizen but also everyone and everything in Karakura town. It was then that he was visited by…Rukia?**

"What, Kuchiki, what are you doing here?" Rukia held Ulquiorra's head up using her knee, "well with that last attack you damaged your own body and kill everyone." Ulquiorra looked at her with his usual melancholy face, "damn I guess I really screwed up." Rukia smirked, "and all for Orihime, why the fuck is that all about?"

"I love her and I thought I could be with her." Rukia sighed, "O.K. Ulquiorra listen; she's a stupid Mary Sue bimbo who is a useless character while I am a strong woman and a better main character than her. I'm also gothic and would be a perfect match for you, so why can't you be with me."

"Hmm maybe when I get back, I'm going to die, so I won't be around for a while." Rukia faintly smiled as Ulquiorra disappeared and turned into ashes. "I'll be waiting," Ulquiorra scattered into the wind, Rukia then hastily screamed, "wait where should I meet you!!??"

**The End**

**Review **

**Inspired and Dedicated to Antfish**


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